When you’re breastfeeding, you have to wear clothes that make whipping out a boob as easy as possible, so you can usually catch me in a button down, hastily half buttoned wrong and disheveled because I’m too resentful of breastfeeding to look presentable doing it. But yesterday, I gave it a try and wore my second favorite button down – a cream polka dotted number I got from Old Navy, a store dedicated almost entirely to my refusal to wear anything with a shape or pattern. I heart you, Old Navy.
When I put the shirt on that morning, it was a tad snug but I was sure it could accommodate my inflatable boobs after it stretched a little while wearing. I wore it to the store, and back home where it was taken off twice to pump, and unbuttoned a few times to nurse, and it never occured to me that the shirt would decide it had had enough…
Do you know what people say to you when your shirt has failed to remain buttoned, esposing your luscious, milk filled boobs at the mall while prom shopping with 5 teenage girls and two babies?
No throat clearing with a downward glance. No “excuse me, miss, but your shirt has come undone.” Not even a, “Daaamn, look at them luscious tittays!”
They say absolutely nothing.
And not one of the above mentioned 7 people said anything either. In fact, the matter was only brought to my attention when I spilled some mango lemonade and thought, “Gee, that felt like that hit my ski— oh my god my shirt is unbuttoned to my damn navel.”
So friends, if you’re ever in the mall, and you see a women wrangling a preschooler and a stroller, cussing at teenage girls over tall boys and high heels, and her shirt is WIDE THE FUCK OPEN, please, just tap her on the shoulder and say, “ma’am, your luscious tittays are showing.”